I have worked with many couples where there have been arguments over money. Couples get so uptight over their finances that they lose the passion for themselves. There is so much stress over their finances that they begin to avoid talking about it. What can happen is that one partner will make decisions about the finances and not tell the other one. Then there might be a really hard decision to make and it might include using a big chunk of a bank account. The partner then decides to do something with that account. It might be used as another investment for a business, or a means to get something they they really need like a furnace or roof, but the honesty is then lost. The other person finds out and they feel betrayed or violated. There is then a big rift in the realtionship. It feels to that partner who didn’t know what was happening that the other person was living a secret life, betrayed them, and didn’t care about how they were feeling. The other partner was feeling like if they told what was happening that they might have been judged, would be looked at as not having it together or was incompetent. There is a pretty big schism in the relationship and it is hard to talk about. Not only is this emotional wound appearant, now there is this financial stress that is haunting.
When couples come in for counseling and there is this “financial betrayal,” they have a hard time bringing it up. It takes a while for it to come out. That’s because it is really painful for couples to talk about how they feel about this financial pitfall they are in with each other. The person who used the finances feels guilty they didn’t inform their partner about it, but they also feel justified in that they felt it was the right decision and was necessary at the time but their partner might not have believed it was the right decision. They just didn’t know what else to do. They wanted to avoid a fight.
How do couples get through this financial betrayal? These are couples that have been through financial planning, they have seen financial counselors, they might even have been through money counseling. They are saavy when it comes to money management. What they have most difficulty with, which gets in the way of the relationship is, that the couple has a hard time talking about how they are feeling around the financial issue. Right from the beginning when there were arguments or when they avoided talking about it, they had and still do, feelings about the financial situation. They either got stuck in their aruments and fighting, or they got paralyzed in avoiding each other and holding back from having the discussion about how they felt, so they could then tell each other in a supported way their fears, concerns, anger, and frustrations about the situation. The negative patterns of either fighting or avoiding got in their way of connecting over their finances. That is the issue. When they can learn to not allow those patterns that gets in the way of their connecting, they can then have a dialogue or many dialogues about their finances, and how to manage their money. They don’t have to get and feel stuck. They can then feel trusting and more connected with their partner.
Couples that are going through this issue with financial betrayal could be helped through couples counseling and in particular emotionally focused couple therapy. The couples I have worked with have benefited from this. We look at how the relationship gets stuck in general with those negative patterns. We then put it in perspective with their financial situation. It is also important to talk about the feelings each partner has about what occurred as a result of the partner making the financial decision without the other partner knowing. Having this discussion with a couples therapist, especially an emotionally focused couples therapist, who has knowledge around marriage and family therapy issues is very helpful. Both partners can use support during this discussion. The main goal here is for each partner to share the feelings but also to understand what the other person is feeling. Especially the one who feels betrayed. Couples can and do recover from this financial issue in their marriage.
Please contact me if you feel that you could benefit from a confidential meeting.
