The main reason that couples will see a marriage counselor, or find a therapist, is because of the traps couples get stuck in. Any relationship counselor is usually asked by a couple “what do we do so we don’t keep arguing?” Another marriage and family therapist might be asked, “how do I get my partner to talk?” In marriage counseling or couples counseling, one of the partners might ask for couples therapy exercises on how to help the couple learn to communicate and spend time together in a comfortable way. When couples get caught in patterns that keep them from enjoying each other and cause them to feel insecure, distant, and angry, it’s like they are in a trap that they can’t get out of. I want to list the main traps that I’ve seen couples get into which causes so much frustration for both partners.
The first trap I call cat and mouse. This is where one partner is less communicative, has activities that will keep him/her busy, and when approached by his/her partner sneaks away. They avoid connection with their significant other because they might be feeling judged, have felt hurt or rejected from the past and are still hurting over that, and have a difficult time talking about those feelings. Instead they will avoid. The other person doesn’t know how their partner is feeling and just knows they are not connected. They will feel insecure about this. This partner will then pick up the pace with trying to connect, get attention, or try to feel recognized by their partner. They will pursue, or they might micro manage, get critical as they get more frustrated. The other partner then becomes more distant, avoids, withdraws and we have a cat and mouse game where one partner is trying to capture the other one, and that partner is trying to get away. It is hard for both of the partners to slow down and talk about what each of them is feeling and wanting. In couples counseling or marriage therapy, couples can learn to talk about this pattern and learn to identify it when it comes up. A marital counselor or relationship counselor can help the couple to slow down and talk to each other about their feelings, what they want, what is important, and release from this pattern so they can feel connected. This is what both partners want. Using emotionally focused couple therapy is highly successful with couples with this pattern. If you feel you and your partner are stuck in this pattern, please contact me so we can help you get out of this trap.
The next trap that couples will talk to a marriage counselor about, I call the clashing titans. This ocurrs when both partners feel that the other one is angry at them, they feel they are right and rationale, and their partner is not listening to them or acknowledging how they are feeling, so they stay the course and won’t back down. This causes arguments with no resolution, continued feelings of not being heard or even cared about. The only strategy that is going to work is for them to feel protected by keeping up the fight. The result is that there is more frustration, more emotional hardship and pain, that both partners have to endure. The relationship is stuck in this trap of clashing. What the couple really wants is to be connected, be heard by the other person, and to know that they are cared about by their spouse or partner. Relationship problems always start and end in these traps that couples fall into. Marriage therapy or couple therapy is a way to help the couple get out from under that trap. Couples can learn to lower their intensity, identify their feelings, examine what they really want from their partner, and realize how they are contributing to this pattern that is trapping them. They can then talk to their spouse/partner in a way that makes sense to both. They can then feel understood. They are set free from that trap of the clashing titans. If you feel that you might be in that trap give me a call at 763-541-8176 or contact me.
Couples that take on an avoidant pattern with each other have a way of not talking to each other. The communication is minimal. They are living together but aren’t close. In counseling they call themselves roommates. I see them as being in the trap that I call distant relatives. At one point they were close, intimate, and connected. After a while, the spark started to fade. They got distracted from each other because they were putting energy into jobs, having children, maybe there were demands from their extended families and friends, or other committments. As time went on, conversations became less satisfying, their connection was taken for granted. They started to feel more distant. The relationship becomes convenient. The feelings start to cool. It’s like living with a distant relative. when these couples get into marriage therapy, or couples therapy, the partners ask for couples therapy exercises to help them get that back that spark. What these couples really need is to learn to open up with each other. Each partner has to understand where they became detached. They can then learn through relationship conseling how to take a different route to connect with their partner, rather than stay in that trap of living like a roommate or distant relative. When I see couples that are in this trap we focus on that pattern of avoidance and stopping that. We then learn how to identify what each partner wants their significant other to know, how they can feel important to each other by learning how to talk to each other, and to build up that trusting and fun relationship again. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is a great way to help couples learn to do this. I have helped a lot of couples that have fallen into this trap. If you feel that you are stuck in this type of place, please call me at 763-541-8176 or contact me.
