Be The Real You
Are you feeling on edge, maybe anxious, or you have doubts about yourself? Are you feeling the stress and anxiety of work and maybe even at home? Does it seem that your relationship with your partner or spouse is not what you want it to be? Do you feel that you’re alone and you can’t count on anyone to give you advice or set you in the right direction?
I have worked with many couples where there have been arguments over money. Couples get so uptight over their finances that they lose the passion for themselves. There is so much stress over their finances that they begin to avoid talking about it. What can happen is that one partner will make decisions about the finances and not tell the other one. Then there might be a really hard decision to make and it might include using a big chunk of a bank account. The partner then decides to do something with that account. It might be used as another investment for a business, or a means to get something they they really need like a furnace or roof, but the honesty is then lost. The other person finds out and they feel betrayed or violated. There is then a big rift in the realtionship. It feels to that partner who didn’t know what was happening that the other person was living a secret life, betrayed them, and didn’t care about how they were feeling. The other partner was feeling like if they told what was happening that they might have been judged, would be looked at as not having it together or was incompetent. There is a pretty big schism in the relationship and it is hard to talk about. Not only is this emotional wound appearant, now there is this financial stress that is haunting.
You feel that your partner would rather go to others for support rather than you.
Do you feel that you can get angry in your relationship and not feel guilty, or that there won’t be any repercussions later on? One of the most difficult emotions to express to the most significant person in your life is anger. Anger is a “hybrid” emotion. It is part vulnerable and part attacking. Feeling anger is like you are being hunted and at the same time you are on the prowl.
Many couples that want to see a marriage counselor, or who come in for marriage therapy, or for premarital counseling, have common issues; and they sometimes want couples therapy exercises to resolve these issues. One particular problem that couples struggle with is the: Why don’t you talk to me – Don’t you come at me -syndrome. One partner is usually feeling that they don’t count, are not important, or that their partner would rather do other things then spend time with them.
The main reason that couples will see a marriage counselor, or find a therapist, is because of the traps couples get stuck in. Any relationship counselor is usually asked by a couple “what do we do so we don’t keep arguing?” Another marriage and family therapist might be asked, “how do I get my partner to talk?” In marriage counseling or couples counseling, one of the partners might ask for couples therapy exercises on how to help the couple learn to communicate and spend time together in a comfortable way. When couples get caught in patterns that keep them from enjoying each other and cause them to feel insecure, distant, and angry, it’s like they are in a trap that they can’t get out of. I want to list the main traps that I’ve seen couples get into which causes so much frustration for both partners.
Relationship style is the way you connect, respond, react, and relate with your significant other. You develop behaviors, habits, patterns, and ways of being, as you get to know, grow with, and develop as a couple. The relationship style can be predictable and sometimes it isn’t. It depends on how you are feeling in the relationship. The style is affected by how secure, calm, trusting, and confident you are with your partner. If you don’t feel connected and bonded, you might develop a style of relationship that tries to compensate for this lack of connection or insecurity. The behavior might consist of calling your parnter a lot throughout the day. You could have dramatic reactions to situations that come up because you are feeling anxious or alone. If you are feeling insecure or anxious you could get critical , you might need and then demand reassurance from your significant other, you might get agitated easily, or even get accusatory.
What about men and relationships? There is a myth that men are inferior to women when it comes to building and maintaining a relationship. You here about how men are wired differently than women and how their brains are developed in a way that inhibits them from valuing connection and closeness with others. There is an attitude that you don’t expect men to be appreciative and responsive in relationships because closeness, intimacy, and connection aren’t that important to them. When a relationship is in trouble, don’t count on the man to want to change, repair the relationship, or even be aware there is an issue.
I believe that we cover up our difficult feelings so we don’t have to suffer. The most prevalent feeling we try to hide from is fear. We have a reflex that takes us out of harms 
way from having to feel that fear, or stomps right through it with out ever having to acknowledge it. We automatically avoid the feeling by compenstating for it in our mind. Let’s say we are feeling insecure with our partner. There is some fear that he/she is interested in somebody else or will lose interest in us. What we might do is compensate for the fear by calling, texting, emailing our partner frequently to ease our ourselves that there is still some connection. We might act overly enthusiastic and be very touchy/feely with him/her. This is a way to try to be close and happy, but inside there is this fear that something is wrong. The result of the compensation is the partner might be feeling smothered and controlled, and for the other partner, the fear is still there, growing. It could turn into anxiety, agitation or depression.
