I believe that we cover up our difficult feelings so we don’t have to suffer. The most prevalent feeling we try to hide from is fear. We have a reflex that takes us out of harms 
way from having to feel that fear, or stomps right through it with out ever having to acknowledge it. We automatically avoid the feeling by compenstating for it in our mind. Let’s say we are feeling insecure with our partner. There is some fear that he/she is interested in somebody else or will lose interest in us. What we might do is compensate for the fear by calling, texting, emailing our partner frequently to ease our ourselves that there is still some connection. We might act overly enthusiastic and be very touchy/feely with him/her. This is a way to try to be close and happy, but inside there is this fear that something is wrong. The result of the compensation is the partner might be feeling smothered and controlled, and for the other partner, the fear is still there, growing. It could turn into anxiety, agitation or depression.
Men are adept at hiding fear. Men are taught at an early age to not show vulnerability especially fear. It is a sign of being weak, not in control, and incompetency. This becomes a hazard in relationships as men will compensate for their fear by withdrawing or going on the attack like blaming or getting angry. If a man fears that his partner isn’t attracted to him, or doesn’t have that same desire as he for being together, he might become dominant, controlling, or he could pull away and put his energy into his job or achievements. The result of this is an increase in being disconnected and tension.
Women will pursue or withdraw when feeling the fear of losing their partners or that their partners are losing interest in them. They will be the ones to start conversations with a distant partner or make the social plans. If they feel that their partner isn’t giving them the attention they want or need, and they aren’t important to their partner any more, then they might withdraw, get silent, stop trying. That fear of losing their partner still lingers inside while the distance in the relationship keeps growing.
In couple and individual therapy, partners learn that it can be safe to feel their feelings. The automatic tendency to protect from fear can be put to check. The emotion of fear doesn’t necessarily have to pin you to the ground. Through therapy, partners can learn to relax themselves, stay with their emotion of fear, and then talk about it. They can tell their partners that they are fearful that something is not right in the relationship. They can even tell them that they are important to them and they are scared of losing them. This is a way of connecting and getting closer. It is different then having to protect or go on the offensive. This is letting your partner know that you care and you want them to care about you. This makes relationships secure, loving, and affirming.
Expressing fear is really a need in relationships for men and women.
If you feel that you and your partner could use help with communicating, expressing how you feel with each other, or anything else, feel free to contact me.
