Many couples that want to see a marriage counselor, or who come in for marriage therapy, or for premarital counseling, have common issues; and they sometimes want couples therapy exercises to resolve these issues. One particular problem that couples struggle with is the: Why don’t you talk to me – Don’t you come at me -syndrome. One partner is usually feeling that they don’t count, are not important, or that their partner would rather do other things then spend time with them.
They will feel insecure, wonder if their partner really is getting anything from the relationship, and then start to doubt why they are in the relationship. Their reaction is to pursue their partner and try to have conversations. If their partner is ambivalent about this they will continue to approach them and try to get them to talk. If that still doesn’t work they can get more frustrated and then get more demanding. They can be critical, make accusations, even get judgmental. They may make comments like, “why don’t you talk to me?” The partner might feel pressure from the outside, like their job, or finances, or balancing work and home. They might not have the verbal skills to describe their frustration with the stressors in their life. Then they might feel like their partner is pressuring them to be a better partner, to talk more, and then they feel like they can’t get it right in their relationship, and that makes more stress for them. They react to their partners by either withdrawing or stating, “don’t come at me like that.”
These couples get stuck in this place and it’s hard to get out. Both partners can feel hurt and alone. That’s when they might look to find a therapist. It can take time and some help from a marriage counselor or a couples counselor to help the couple understand the pattern that they are in, and to learn to talk to each other so that each partner can feel understood, cared for, and connected in their relationship. There is hope to change this pattern. A skilled marriage and family therapist can definitely help with this especially if that relationship counselor is trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.
If you would like to schedule an appointment with Bernie please contact me.
Another issue that couples come in for relationship counseling, or for couples counseling is the, why can’t we stop arguing circle. They can’t help but go on and on when they disagree. It’s like a boxing match where the bell is rung for another round of, I’m right. . . no, I’m right! This gets very frustrating for both partners. It eventually drains the energy of the relationship. The couple loses their spontaneity, their motivation to be together, and they get stuck blaming the other person for everything. What usually drives this pattern is when there is so much anxiety, doubt, insecurity for both partners. They feel that the other person doesn’t care about how they are feeling, or they might feel that the other person does not appreciate what they are doing for the family or for the relationship. It might be hard to talk about those feelings. Instead it can come out with sarcasm, with an accusation, or criticism. The partner then reacts to this because he/she is feeling judged, blamed, and doesn’t really know the real emotions that their partner is feeling. The couple gets stuck in this fight. What they really want is to connect and feel loved and appreciated.
It is so difficult to get caught up and vaccumed in by this circular argument. It seems that it just won’t end. You can learn to get out of this. A marital counselor, marriage and family therapist, or a psychtherapist that specializes in counseling for couples, can help the couple slow down and learn to talk to each other respectfully and compassionately. Through emotionally focused couple therapy, both partners learn to let go of the anger and negative feelings that prompt the arguing. The couple can be taught to communicate in a way that does not get tripped up into those fights and arguments. If this seems to be a pattern that you and your partner/spouse are in, I invite you to contact me as I have helped many couples to slow down and change their negative cycle to one of connecting, feeling secure, and content.
Since we’ve had children it seems we don’t have time for each other any more. Many couples say this in my office. They have jobs, committments, take care of a house, extended family, and barely balance every thing in their lives especially with parenting younger children. It seems the one part of their lives that gets sacrificed is the marriage/relationship. This happens because it might just be more convenient to put off the spouse/partner than a friend, family member, or the boss or job. Sometimes one partner has a tendency to be more distant or avoidant in relationships so that person will focus on these other areas rather than the relationship. The couple will then put their time, the way they feel satisfied and fulfilled, and their hopes and dreams, into their children. This is what fills them up. After a while they can feel distant from each other. They might not even know what to say to each other when they find themselves alone. It can feel awkward when they are around each other. The couple might even continue to focus on the children, jobs, and tasks because it is easier. They then get stuck in that place of not having time for each other any more.
When I meet with these couples we do talk about how this came to be and that this isn’t anybody’s fault. As a couple they fell into this cycle. We talk about how this feels to them. We discuss that they really are important to each other. Through the relationship therapy they talk about how they really want to get back how they felt befor all this happened. We talk about how it has been stressful on both of them having to work, be parents, keep up their home, and all the other stressors. Using emotionally focused couple therapy, both partners learn what type of negative pattern they have fallen into as a result of their situation. They get in touch with their feelings and how to express them. We can then focus on how as a couple, they now can connect with each other, and they figure out a way to spend time together.
To schedule an appointment contact Bernie.
