Do you feel that you can get angry in your relationship and not feel guilty, or that there won’t be any repercussions later on? One of the most difficult emotions to express to the most significant person in your life is anger. Anger is a “hybrid” emotion. It is part vulnerable and part attacking. Feeling anger is like you are being hunted and at the same time you are on the prowl.
It is hard to separate that vulnerable feeling from the protective instinct. If you are hurt by your partner the tendency is to go after him or her, or go away. That protective instinct kicks in, and you either fight or take flight. It is that instinct that gets in the way of your not being able to be vulnerable with your partner and express that feeling softly or with a more approachable style. When it comes out as a prowling hunter or a wounded victim, then your partner’s protective instincts will gear up. The result is a strained situation between the two of you.
Hear are some stuck places you could get into as a result of the fight/flight instinct that gets activated in you and your partner. The “Boxing Match,” is where you take some verbal jabs and swings at your partner. It goes like this: there you go again, complaining, making a big deal about nothing! This makes you feel like you’ve just been hit on the chin and what you feel is not worth anything. Then you might come back with a counterpunch like, you see, I’m trying to talk to you and you can’t listen. I’m outta here! Now you both are engaged in the fight. It is hard to slow down and connect which is what you both want. Another place that you could get trapped in because of the anger reflex is the, “I’ll Show You I’m Better Game.” This is where your partner might say, you lose your cool with me and I don’t do that with you. That’s not fair. You need to change and be consistent like me. That feels like you are defected and the cause of everything that’s wrong. You defend yourself with, well, I at least am honest and upfront with you. You are so controlling and manipulative. You drive me crazy! There is now a competition as to who is the most dysfunctional in this relationship. It is hard to feel close, intimate, and connected. The resentment will build. The last place that you could spin your tires with your partner is taking part in “The Great Debate.” This is where you and your partner are proving the other is wrong and you are right. You should have helped me in the kitchen yesterday! No you should have asked me to help you! No, you should have known I needed help! The frustration can really grow with no resolution. Nobody wins this debate.
If you and your partner are wrapped up in one of these places where the instinct takes over from actually expressing the vulnerable feelings inside, you both could benefit from getting help with separating your anger from those feelings. I am trained to do this and have helped many couples learn to connect and talk to each other with respect and closeness. When you can tell your partner how you feel, when you are angry, and your partner can take that in, and get it, then you have achieved a trust and closeness that is secure and lasting. I would be happy to talk to you more about this. Feel free to contact me.
